The Police and Alcohol

Have heard of a lot of police who use or abuse alcohol and I'm pretty sure they're trying to relieve their job stress...?  If I'm not mistaken, it seems police in the special police project in the past have identified themselves as alcoholics?  When my then husband-to-be joined the project, it's likely many police were able to relate to him somewhat because of his drinking problem--even though he was sober at the time.  Maybe they hoped and expected that he'd stay sober?  I assume he gave up on the police project a little while after I left him, and I heard something to that effect.  At least he helped for a time--for quite a while.  And I had his stories that encouraged me.

There's an old movie [was it Casablanca, 1942?] where they said, "A drunk is a citizen of the world."  A lot of people everywhere can relate to alcoholism in some way.

Alcoholism

When I first met him, my husband-to-be was sober and he had sober periods at times afterwards.  As a child, one of my best friends had a father who was a successful member of the Alcoholics Anonymous program; and in high school, we had many visiting speakers who were recovered alcoholics and drug addicts.  At the beginning, I had a lot of faith that recovery was possible for these people.

My previous post wasn't meant to be a detailed explanation of the issues, but only to cover some highlights and to make an outline....  My husband did the best he knew how, and he made improvements in his life over time.  Maybe I could've handled things differently, myself?  I don't know.  I had found the Al-Anon Family Groups program and maybe had too much, or a misguided faith in it...?  I thought if I did my part, my husband would choose to be sober.  But it doesn't always work that way.  

Anyway, we can't change the past.  What's done is done.  I know my former husband supported me over a long period of time with the police issues, even though I didn't know about it, at the time.  The police had actually contacted him and some of his associates at the Christian farm....  

My church doesn't approve of drinking and I don't drink, myself.  I'm sure many members wouldn't be happy to hear that I married an alcoholic...but circumstances can be complicated and I had my own problems....  For now, I wanted to address the story about the couples publicity....  My former husband and I HAVE supported the police, and it was good for us both in some ways except it has been sometimes stressful, also....  My husband passed away and the rest of us are carrying on....

A Couple Story, or not?

The man I married long ago had a colourful life.  He was adopted as a baby and spent time in a criminal motor cycle club when he grew older, and he was an alcoholic....  He got a little tired of his life and a friend directed him to a Christian farm in northern Ontario, where he was able to get a job.  Some nutritious vegan food was served and he felt well, and he had a religious conversion experience.  That was where I met him.  Later, he got a job as a youthworker in northern British Columbia and he taught practical skills and sports to the Native and white Canadian kids at a community centre.  Everyone liked him.  He also worked with police at this job because they needed to talk about some of the kids, at times.

My husband and I had gotten married while he was a youthworker.  Around this time, my husband made comments here and there, and told me some stories which turned out to be symbolic stories about the special police project to help with gay issues.  At the time, I myself knew nothing about the police project--and I suppose it wasn't the right time for me to know everything....

Although he made some good efforts, my husband wasn't completely able to get a handle on his drinking.  I loved him but wasn't willing to live with some problems that the drinking caused, so I left with our son.  We got divorced and he died not too long afterwards.  It was only later that I found out about the police project, I learned to understand my former husband's comments and stories and I appreciated them.  I also had a new respect for my former husband.

Looking back, I understand that some people self-medicate themselves with alcohol or drugs; and I believe that God doesn't always judge our outward circumstances--He knows our hearts.  I don't judge my late, ex-husband.

If the police project would like me to be paired with any man for publicity purposes--as I've heard hints about--I'd only like to be paired with the memory of my former husband, if they wouldn't mind.  Otherwise, I'd like to be represented by a lawyer, if one could be found who sympathizes with my life and views.

A New Post

Today, I've written a post in my Waterlily Story II blog about religion in my life.  People can look there, if they're interested.  I wrote the post especially for my past college contacts, and for what I call the prejudiced, Christian police....

Pictures Contribute to the Story

For any people who are working on understanding issues from my past life, I'd like to refer them to my second blog at Waterlily Story II.--See Links.--They can go to the Labels in the sidebar and there are three Labels with photos of me.  I hope these would help.  Of course, we try to put our best foot forward in photos but I believe the photos show that I'm not a bad person....  Have suffered from mental health problems at times but I've had good times, also....  They say, "A picture is a thousand words!"  For God's glory, I want to show that I've tried to be a positive person in my life, and my parents tried also....  We weren't perfect....  With the police business, I've had more stress but I've been learning that I have to cope and still be positive, as far as possible....  I used to complain more to the police but I tried to quit doing that....  God can help us to live our lives, and I've found encouragement from the Bible--especially in the last year or two.  

When I have a chance, I'll write a new post in my second blog about my Christian life--my current views....  Sometimes I think the "Jesus people" are being sentimental and that's not necessarily healthy....  It's good to think about God and Jesus, and to praise them, and some of us are coming from challenging places, in some ways....  But I have something to say. 

Understanding the Essence--Part 2

My main intention for writing about this subject matter is to hopefully help the church members and pastors who had actually gone to my college in England and heard a bad story about me from there.  They're the first group I'd like to focus on, right now.  We need to deal with this problem, air it out, and then let it go...!  I don't mind taking a little time, if necessary....  [Not to drag things on too long....]  THEN, we can look at the current issues, if people want to...!?

Have said there's some confusion in, or around, the special police project.  Some people may know of one or two lawyers who are involved, but they need to know there's at least one or two more....  People understand how lawyers work, if I may say.  But lawyers also follow instructions from their clients....  Under normal circumstances, I believe the different police agencies have some competition with each other--have seen it on many TV shows in the past.  But with the special project, there's even more competition, for different reasons....  The project is very broad and not everyone knows everything--and they don't need to.  If they did, they'd likely get sidetracked and things wouldn't get done as well.  Myself, I've been told a lot and I've also made my own efforts to find things out...I know this business is kind of hard to handle....  They're forcing me to take medication which is supposed to clear my thoughts, and it does help a certain amount [this matter hasn't been aired out yet but it will be one day]....  Anyway, it's supposed to be an undercover project and many civilians have been consulted about it....  People observing from the outside sometimes wonder what's going on...?  But a lot has been accomplished....  We're trying to tie up the loose ends and come to a conclusion, more or less....  And some firefighters have been involved, also....  

This past weekend, I really learned a lot at my church....  We'll probably sort things out gradually...but one thing at a time.  Other Christians have been involved, or observing, also, besides ones in my church....  People may feel they want to resist the "gay rights" and gay marriage, and that's okay for now....  I've been an active spokesperson, with my blog and other activities at church, and my credibility is in question--even my religion and spirituality are in question....  So, we can deal with my credibility...and I hope people will make an effort to understand, if they wish to be fair.

Understanding the Essence of the Issues...

This past weekend, my church had a special program for Ontario and we had visiting speakers from further away.  One man made indirect references to something that had happened to me when I went to college in England long ago.  We're also passing the 30th anniversary of the tragedy that happened at a cult in Waco, Texas, which had been reported in the news at the time.  The cult had no official connection to my church but it was some kind of a distorted off-shoot, and some members from the church had gone to Waco to join them....

Some of the "white" thinkers in my church have possibly been wondering what kind of a business I've been mixed up in with the police...?  And some of them went to the same college as me in England over the years, or had friends who did.

Have been learning that the local church pastor in England gave me a bad reference to the special, undercover police project after I asked him for help one time.  He was a very elderly gentleman.  What happened was that I was suffering from an eating disorder--anorexia nervosa--and my chaotic eating and fasting periods were interfering with my studies.  There wasn't as much known at that time about anorexia and I didn't know much, myself.  I'd been teased about my "weight" when I was 10-13 years old, even though my weight was pretty much normal.  There was a different reason why a few kids were upset with me and neither they nor I knew how to get to the root of the problem, at the time.  So, they said I was fat--repeatedly--and I came to believe them.

Don't recall exactly what I said, or wrote, to the pastor but I probably said something to the effect that I wanted to control my appetite...and I was a thin person, to all appearances.  The pastor responded to me directly and he was annoyed.  He answered somewhat roughly and said I should see a psychiatrist.  In one sense, he was correct...but from what I've been hearing from more than one individual, I believe this pastor thought I wanted to control my appetite for religious reasons...?  He thought I was some kind of a fanatic and what we call a legalistic person--someone who wants to earn their salvation by deeds that they do [they think they can].  I'm quite sure that's the story that was reported.  But my school friends wouldn't have said that about me.  And later, I got the proper therapy....

At this time, I'd like to ask my church friends and connections to make an effort to separate the past from the present....  In the past, there was confusion over what my problem was and what help I was seeking....

With the special police project, there HAS been some confusion but I'M not so confused and we're working on things....  There are 3-4 lawyers involved, that I know of, and they're not all coming from the same place.  And lawyers are lawyers!  That's one issue.  (And lawyers aren't all bad.)  At the beginning of the police project, some Christian police were very serious about wanting to find help for homosexual people.  And rather than helping, the Christian churches were part of the problem, at that time.  Many Christians have since helped the police, discreetly, but nothing has been made public so far....

Black-and-White Thinking

In the past, our society used to be black and white about gay issues....  In the special police project, I believe the black side has gone more towards the gray middle-ground.  But the white side has been stalling.  I thought we'd gone past them earlier, for the most part, but issues have been surfacing....  For the past six months or more, I've been dealing with them....  At least they're understanding my responses and aren't fighting the same things over and over.  

Will write more separately.